I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
