May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
