I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I think your dad took our porno
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
