life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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