You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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