Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
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What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
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Shitshow foam night was such a success
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize