you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
