Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
