hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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