she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
