I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
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