I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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