I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
