i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Randomize
