mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
