its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
