she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
