he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
