she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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