i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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