Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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