My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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