I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
I just gift wrapped bread.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
ttyl tear gas
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
