So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
