True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
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best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
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Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
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