i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
