I CAN MOONWALK!
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
