he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize
