God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
