new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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