a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
