I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
