Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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