I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Oh god it's open bar.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
