Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
