I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
So squirting runs in the family.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
