Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
The beers last night were like the tears from god
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
