So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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