somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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