i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
