yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
