Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
