he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
