They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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