My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
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