I just saw a hot homeless man
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
