i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
