Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
