i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
