Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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