It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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