I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
