My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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