I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize