I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
love makes seman taste better
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize